theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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