My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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