theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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