I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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