shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
