I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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