there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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