Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
