1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
