I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
someone owes me an orgasm
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
