its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
