I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
