Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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