well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
