So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
