I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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