Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
