Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
