Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
