btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
