Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
