Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
