I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
