Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
