Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
