Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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