I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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