just tell him i said nine months
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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