I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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