Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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