Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
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im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
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Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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