my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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