Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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