What tipped you off? The sombrero?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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