you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
