If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
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I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
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It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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