i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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