you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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