i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
