I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
