Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
