I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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