Please, let me fuck your mom
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
