he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
