I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize