In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
