i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
