**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
