So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You've changed since you got that strap on
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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