her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
