I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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