there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
