My friends, they love my intelligence
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
