she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
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Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
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It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize