Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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