I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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