Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
