I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
